Like Burning Pazaak Cards
by ReunitedLight
Summary: Atton files away his memories, some lighthearted and some deep and dark, behind walls in his mind. A collection of short vignettes featuring Atton Rand and the Exile, of whom he tries so hard to forget.
1. Names

What's in a name?

I never really cared about it before, I don't think I should care about it now. I have no right. My name is not who I am. My name is the name of a dreamer, of an assassin, of a shifty pazaak player, the name of someone whole and good, the name of someone worthy of atonement and making up for all of the wrongdoings he's done. That man isn't me. I am no one.

Jaq was from a life so far away, a life so distant that I can barely even remember it now. He was born on Alderaan, the rolling ice-capped hills, the farms, the grasslands. Jaq, the one with a sense of humor and the lack of fear for anything, and that boldness, that certainty that he held in the glint of his eyes, was what led him to war. What led _me_ to war.

I don't know where Jaq ends and I begin. I'm not a funny person. I couldn't crack a joke even if I tried. But when I play the part of who I've become, I retreat into the best parts of Jaq and pull them out into the light, so that people may see what I might be like and avoid everything I've done. I've switched names so many times that I cannot even find one that matches who I am, my soul, my identity.

I… I'm sorry I waited so long to tell her the truth. Sweetheart, sweets, those pet names for her, there were so many. But the taste of her real name on my tongue was like pure goodness and light, but with just a hint of weariness and the sorrows of the past to give it some texture. But overall, it was sweet. Sweets. I'm sorry I never talked about it to her. For all the things I should be apologizing for, this is the thing I will apologize for the most. Not spending enough time with her, not being there for her when she needed it. But it isn't like I knew how. The last woman I loved I gave everything up for after killing her, after feeling the life in her flick out like a candle and smelling the faded blood on my conscience for years. I can still waft it now.

I bet I could look through the Force to figure out what name _she_ used back when she trained as a Jedi, someone brave and whole and willing to fight for what she believed in and face the consequences, even if it meant sacrificing what she knew as her life.

Yeah, well, isn't that what I did? No. No. My life is an endless card game, my names are left all up to chance and the snap of a finger, my morals taste like the dirty, addicting smoke that I inhale from a cigarra. She's outfitted someone as cruel as me to do the job of an angel, and I just can't. I'm an overachiever, always have been, but I can't. This is the one impossible thing.

She was the only one who understood what it was like to be stripped of a name and realize that a name means nothing, that a name is something you call yourself and think of yourself as, but if you don't know who you are or you think your true self is a void of something that was once there… you circulate between names you like the taste of until there's nothing left. That's what I did, and she was the only one who knew it.

My name is such a funny one, because I chose it after doing all of those horrible, bloody things. I thought it sounded like the word "atone" because everyone needs some atonement in their dark lives on a planet like Nar Shaddaa where the sun never comes out to play. I've thought of changing it so many times, after she left. I barely even think I deserve a name.

But Meetra... I'll keep being Atton for you.


	2. Bravado

We found a cliff on Dantooine, once. How, I don't know. I'd figured that after what Malak had done, there wouldn't be any landscape left. The grass grew pretty well here though, it wasn't lush, the color of it was faded and dull and smelled like death clinging on to everything good it could find, but it was still grass. We were kind of stuck on the planet. We spent the morning fighting off things in the crystal cave and being drawn to all sorts of different colors.

We came to the cliff and I shoved my hands in my pockets, not wanting to feel the breeze on them. My jacket had specks of dirt on it and sparkles from the cave and I needed nothing more than to go back to the ship and change. But she wanted to hang out for a bit, so I let her with a shrug. She threw off her robe and it floated down to the grass like a blanket, and sat on the edge of the cliff, legs dangling freely. I remember that I never saw a smile like that on her face before. It hurts that I'll never see that smile again.

Come sit here with me, Atton, she said, blue eyes sparkling with innocence that I didn't know she had and innocence I knew had long been purged from me. I forced out a smile, then, and sat next to her, might've cracked a joke or something as I did. My knee brushed hers. She was older than me, but as we sat there, part of me felt like I was too dirty and jaded for her.

The smile faded from her eyes after a few minutes. She leaned her head against my shoulder, her short brown hair tickling my neck. Are you alright, sweets? I asked.

It was nice to be able to forget even if it was only for a few moments, she whispered against my neck. So I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her in for a few seconds and it felt like eternity, but eternity always comes to pass. She pulled away then, and glanced down at the cliff. We had the Force-she was technically training me and I was a half-Jedi now, and the thought of it still made me feel odd inside-but we could definitely survive the fall.

But then there was the feeling of falling, that was what I couldn't handle. The ground being swept up from under me and nothing to support me but gravity. I've fallen enough before, I won't jump from the cliff now. Yet, it was too late for me to stop her, because that old fire came back into her eyes and I knew what she was going to do.

Don't do anything stupid, especially if I'm not stupid enough to do it with you, I warned. Obviously, she didn't take my advice. It was probably because I was wearing my mask of a smirk and I was already staring down into the grass below. Bravery, yeah. Back when I was still with her I pretended to have it when really I have none.

I noticed the coldness beside me and saw that she had already stood up and backed up a little, ready to run to the finish line, the end of the cliff, and launch herself from there. I was going to watch her fall without me, and deafen the fall with the Force, and land and roll in the death-tainted grass with a grin. Don't do this, Mee, I pleaded again, but she didn't listen.

I stood by the edge of the cliff and watched as she broke into a sprint, a look of pure determination written clearly onto her face. Her full lips were carved into a smile, one that I hadn't seen from her before. And then, she grabbed onto my hand and pulled me from the edge with her. I grabbed onto her shoulder for support and my heart thumped against hers.

We laughed the whole way down, and for a moment, I was happy.


	3. Gumption

It had been a while since I'd been on Nar Shaddaa, but every visit is different.

Nothing had changed on the planet, really. Gangs were still as cruel and violent as ever, you could still fall for miles if you put your foot in the wrong place, and even the best pazaak players still had no logic. The Star Cluster Casino still had the prettiest dancers, whose lithe bodies swayed seductively back and forth. Renting a speeder still cost more credits than I could handle. Overall, coming back to the planet was like coming home.

Nar Shaddaa may have stayed the same, but I sure didn't. And this time I was here on my own terms, not the good of the mission. It had only been a few weeks since the unthinkable happened, the memory I both kept in my mind and shut out forever, so I had come to the dark and smoky planet to lose myself again.

On planets like this you need to have those street smarts, that common sense. You've got to be able to navigate the con artists, thieves, rogues, and petty criminals. You need to keep enough credits with you for a meal but not so much as to attract unwanted attention. I've got plenty of that, so it was easy to slip into what felt natural. You'd think she didn't have as much of it, always going around helping the needy and giving away credits like candy. But behind her kind facade, those bright blue eyes that kept looking to mine for approval, you could tell she'd handled herself in places like these and worse. It's easy to forget that she was in the war.

So there I was, wandering aimlessly around the Red Light Sector, looking for whatever I lost that I knew I would never find. My shifty eyes caught the sight of a familiar twi'lek, and when he glanced back at me I knew he recognized me too. His eyes, they widened in fear, for what I'd do to him. When I was last here I pretended I didn't know him, pretended that whatever he said about my past was a huge lie. I thought about putting that act up again. Playing the part of someone else-it's easy for me now. But with a painful gulp, I realized she would've wanted me to do the right thing.

It's you again, the twi'lek whispered in fear. I know you were there while I told that woman your secrets. Please don't kill me, he pleaded in Huttese.

I shook my head, although my hand was still itching to reach for my double-bladed lightsaber. I wouldn't do that, I assured him. I tried to smile but couldn't.

His eye caught the lightsaber and I cursed myself yet again for my foolishness and carelessness. His mouth opened, as if he was about to shout to the rooftops that yes, he'd found another Jedi, and then the shock faded and the acceptance sank in. I hid my weapon within the folds of my robe and he nodded at me. Once, just once. I saw the promise in his mind.

Where is she? he asked me, That woman you were traveling with. I want to thank her.

Back then, the wound in my soul was still fresh and the pain of it sent a shock through my spine. I saw red, and I couldn't think or breathe. But something inside me locked in and clicked. My vision came back, my heartbeat continued to race.

She… she's gone, I said, and my voice wavered a little, but it was still clear.

He paused for a bit. Then, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you're doing her proud.

I went back to my world of juma and pain and her voice like water, trickling into my ear.


	4. Rescind

Mornings, I hated them. Hated having to crack an eye open and realize that yes, it was time for another day of duty, time for another day sneaking around corners with a knife drawn, time for another day of calculated decisions and cold minds and black hearts.

But everything had changed when I woke up on Coruscant and realized that I had a whole day to just be myself, whoever that was. I had an entire day to do whatever I wanted, I realized, as I looked over our balcony at the sunrise. My phantom arm still pained me sometimes, but it was something that I had to learn to handle. I slipped on a jacket and glanced over at the bed, where she lay sleeping. It still amazed me, sometimes, that she was still alive and content to be with me, wherever we were staying. And then, I caught the expression on her face. I'd seen dead Jedi before, the gore and bloodiness of it all not even making me break a sweat. But seeing her here, now, that perfect picture of pain and terror-I couldn't handle it.

I reached out, deliberately making sure it was my left arm not my right, and shook her shoulder. It was cold and bare and its iciness sent shivers all the way up to my brain. She lay there like a dead flutterplume in the snow and for a moment I assumed the worst. Her lips, they were cracked rock. It would've been a horrifying image to look at had I been anyone else but me, but no. I'd never seen her look so painfully beautiful before and the realization of that churned the old knives in my stomach.

She shot up, awake, blue eyes clouded and somewhere else for a moment, but then they cleared and gazed right at me. Her mouth hung open, still in shock and a trembling hand went directly to her face. She rubbed gingerly at her back, seemingly checking for signs of wounds. I couldn't see any. Mee, you're okay, you're going to be okay, I repeated at her, again and again, but it was like she couldn't hear me. You're going to be okay, think of the pazaak games. Think of the games we've played together, Republic Senate rules, the games that are yet to come.

A string inside her broke and suddenly she was saying Atton, Atton, Atton, like it was the only thing she could hold onto. Atton, like where has he gone, why isn't he here for me. Atton, nothing so perfect ever lasts. Atton, Atton, Atton, and I couldn't bear my name being repeated so many times and I had to pinch myself with a metal finger to silence the pain of the lie.

I sat next to her and she curled up like a child underneath my soggy, charred tent. Her eyes were wet with tears by now and my mind couldn't help but go back to all of those other crying Jedi, alone in their blood-stained cells. That last expression on all of their faces as they spiraled away from the world for the last time. Don't leave me, Meetra, I whispered into her ear and my nose brushed the softness that was her hair, messy and tangled but still hers.

We promised we wouldn't leave each other after we met that fateful day on Peragus. We promised each other, and even though I'd never really kept one in my life before, I knew that I'd try to keep this, just for her. After Sion I thought to tell her how much I… never mind. So back then she told me with that sweet voice of hers, I'll be with you until the end. I promise.

Flash forward, I could have cared less about the war and the Jedi. So there we were, the Attons flooding out of her mouth became a soft trickle and she looked me in the eye, said

Atton, I'm sorry.


	5. Svelte

Women, pretend to like them and you'll get somewhere.

After the war I preferred to gamble away everything I had, beating the shady pazaak sharks and getting more than I needed back. The lights were always low, the slithering bodies of dancing Twi'leks distracting for most of the people I played, but not for me. Never for me.

After you kill the ones you love you don't pay attention to women like that anymore, and besides, there was already someone I had my heart set on at the time. So a flirt here and there, a snarky comment to get their faces to burn red and it's back to the walls and the endless numbers floating down from the sky. She wasn't there or she would've disapproved, but hey, at least I was making credits. She'd be okay with that at the very least, I thought to myself.

I had just finished emptying another guy's wallet. Mirialan, dressing like a proper man but hiding the fact that he was fired from his last job and drinks juma every night at the shady bar on level three hundred nineteen, and this time trying to brag to this dancer at how good he was with numbers but by then I'd already calculated the outcome of the round. He got up with heated cheeks after I won the game and asked the dancer if she wanted to head over to his place later, and she stopped dancing, said no, sorry, she was busy that night. I winked at her after, gathering up my special cards, and gave her a half-smirk. She fluttered her eyelashes back at me, opened her mouth as if she was going to ask me something, but by then I had already walked away. I had only put up an act in front of her, without really caring.

A hand caught my shoulder and I was fully prepared to reach for whatever weapon I had currently equipped-blaster or lightsaber, I didn't care. I knew well enough by now how to defend myself, but I also made a mental note to be careful and watch where I went around here. I wasn't here on Nar Shaddaa to lose myself anymore; now, it was a mission for her.

I turned around sharply and met her questioning blue eyes peeking out from the depths of a hood. Honestly, there was nothing particularly special about her fairly plain appearance, her symmetrical clear face, pale brown hair, and lithe body. But her eyes… those blue oceans I could lose myself in, laced with pain and wonder and taking everything in that she saw and truly contemplating it. Those eyes, telling me that what I had seen of her was only a fraction of who she truly was. That's what drew me to her side and kept me there. Wasn't her slender stature or the fact that she was wearing next to nothing when we first met, despite what Atton led her to believe. I of all people should know by now that we are all more than we seem, she most of all.

 _She_ was unique in a way none of these other women were. The richness of her spirit, her haunted mind, the sun peeking out through the smoke. I liked that. Her darkness was beautiful through my blackened and bloodstained vision. So I was just content to bask in her gaze for a while, answering quickly and smoothly when she asked where all of those credits came from. Flashing a guilty look at her when she wondered why I was here, burning time with these pazaak games at the Star Cluster Casino of all places, and she stopped asking the question mid-sentence when she realized she already knew the answer. She said she needed me back at the ship and I just… I couldn't stop staring. She of all people made me feel like myself for once.

But I should've known that such beauty was something that was not meant to last.


End file.
